Hardware

While I've been pleased, for the most part, with my performances thus far this season, the palmares leave something to be desired. That's why I was quietly hoping for a fantastic result today, to get me out of the spring's doldrums and kick the summer off right.

The course was the 3.3 mile loop around Prospect Park in Brooklyn. I slept on FlantasticDan's couch, woke up at 5:30, and rolled to the park in time to register, pin, and warm up before the 6:30am start. Being a 0 turn course with a mild climb to thin the herd, this would be the perfect reintroduction to the racing scene for Dan, who hadn't competed since April '06.

Ever the 'crosser (and AngryMark's teammate), I got the holeshot and immediately drove the pace up the climb. My policy was "learn how to ride in a pack some other time... if you're unsafe, I don't want you in my pack".

And so it went. I formed an unspoken alliance with a couple of other lone wolves (Harvard and DKNY [you ain't got no alibi!]), bullied CRCA into doing work, drove a couple of breakaways, and generally played with the front of the pack. What a great morning... there is nothing like it in the world.

I made a mistake with about 300m to go. Riding down the center of the road, I expected a surge to my right, and started drifting that way... and then a whole slew came around on my left. I fought into their line, came around some of them, but it was too late. Dan had clawed his way up to my wheel, and we finished 9th and 10th, respectively.

A fantastic result? Maybe not. But definitely one I'm proud of.



One more road race and I'm a Cat4!!! How glamorous...

I am a Little Girl

Beating AngryMark to the punch...

I am a wimp. If I'm going to do anything fun, you should probably find me a shopvac first.

I overreact to cuts on my knees. Also, I like braiding hair. I go to the bathroom only with a group of friends, and I have female genitalia.

I am a little girl.

Oh, How Hilariously Awkward

Listen up, Ben Stiller. Attention, Ricky Gervais. You too, Larry David. I guess this is your first warning, Steve Carell, but you are on notice!!!

I think I speak on behalf of just about nobody when I say that your schtick is getting to be rather overdone. While your performances are brilliant, and while your gimmicks take indisputable talent and comedic timing, I am getting so goddamn sick of you.

Yours is perhaps the most obnoxious form of humor to be captured on film. Not since a ladder-toting Larry pivoted, knocking Moe and Curly to the ground, have I groaned so painfully. Remember that movie where that dude had sex with a pie? Sex with a pie! You're on that level, gentlemen.

I'm not saying that I don't laugh when I watch your movies and shows. I'm just saying that I hate myself for laughing.

If the entire premise for your comedy is "any reasonable human being could extricate himself from this situation with either honesty, silence, or a simple apology, but I'm going to lie and mumble... hilarity will surely ensue", then I want to punch you in your giblets. There, I said it.

Please, I beseech you: Stop confusing nervous laughter for genuine laughter, stop being the lovable loser with a penchant for blundering indiscretion, stop playing to your audience's "better him than me" instinct (and, in doing so, making millions upon millions of dollars).

Thank you for your time. Now go away.

Girls are Made of Rib

...and we are all descended from Noah's family. The world was created in 6 days, and Adam named all the animals in the 24 hours of the 6th day. The world was completely flooded a few thousand years ago, which explains some geological structures that might otherwise lead you to believe that the world is billions of years old. Kangaroos and Koala bears emigrated from the Ark's final stop (Turkey, they say) to Australia via a land-bridge that is now covered by ocean so you can't see it or prove its existence. I have a girlfriend, but you don't know her... she lives in Canada.

It is infinitely frustrating to me that people actually believe this stuff. Apparently the Creation Museum (located in Kentucky... road trip, anyone?) has a diorama showing men and dinosaurs coexisting... in fact, they have a SADDLED TRICERATOPS. I wonder if Cain and Abel had pets?

Religion doesn't bother me, per se. To each his own. I don't do well with sermons, but I'd never tell you to stop going to church. However, when the core of your faith is the outright denial of science, and when you are actively, openly trying to force your religion into classrooms, then we've got a problem.

I looked up an article on "Young-Earth Creationism" on Wikipedia (perhaps because I'm an undergrad writing a research paper). You should read it too. Go on, read it. It's simultaneously terrifying and hilarious - not unlike PeeWee's Playhouse.

There's a link at the end to a fantastic website, Answers in Genesis. Curious about which politicians hoping to be President think that scientific discourse is equivalent to the disproof of evolution? Read about it here. There is an article encouraging parents to raise their children with a "Biblical Worldview", consulting the bible for all major decisions and interpreting it literally. I suppose they skip the part where every teenager ever should be put to death.

Hell, while you're at it, go to bible.com and search for the phrase "put to death". Here, I did it for you. Dylan wasn't kidding when he said "everybody must get stoned" (ooh, that was a bad pun).

Will sent me a link to a video. It is worth watching. Enjoy, my fellow monkeys.

Only One Way...

...to get faster.
"Because after the finish all the suffering turns to memories of pleasure, and the greater the suffering, the greater the pleasure. That is Nature's payback to riders for the homage they pay her by suffering" (Krabbe 1978)

Coach Alessandro sent me a training plan a while back, the final two days of which were this weekend. I was supposed to do a 3 hour easy ride on Saturday, then a 4x20min ride on Sunday. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Saturday's scheduled road ride was replaced by a trip to Chimney Rock with FarmerAndy and CaptainChaz. Charlie is arguably the fastest MTBer on the Rutgers team, and I say "arguably" only because I'm a nice guy... nobody's actually going to argue against Chaz on this one. Charlie is a guy who'll take the entire summer off, train for two weeks, show up to a race and win. Hairy-legged bastard.

Since FarmerAndy and I lack the handling skills to put our massive (MASSIVE!) engines to use offroad, Charlie was kind enough to drop some knowledge on us. Mind you, he'd already done a few hours of hot laps before we arrived. Also, he switched from his geared bike to his singlespeed.

We rolled around the park, focusing on tricky climbs and momentum-sucking obstacles. Charlie was amazingly patient and didactic, and over 90 minutes the skills I'd long ago forgotten became slightly less forgotten. When we got back to the parking lot, Andy packed it in (it is important to sleep more than 2 hours a night), but Chaz announced that he'd be taking me on a 30 minute fast lap. Seriously, bastard!

So we took off on a short loop, and true to his word, Charlie made the lap fast. He stayed just far enough ahead to act as a rabbit, forcing me to dig deep on the climbs and stay focused on the descents. I didn't bonk, but I came damn close. Chaz said that my performance Saturday may foreshadow some good results in the coming weeks' races. We'll see.

After not getting much sleep last night (and on a couch, at that!), I was tempted to not ride Sunday, but Jenks called me up to ride 1st Bridge, the nice flat 25 mile loop. Okay. Within about 3 miles, though, the plan had changed to my hilly route, with the goal of setting a new personal best up Washington Rd.

I was reluctant, because the MTBing had seriously kicked my ass. My biceps are shot from cranking on the bars, my upper back is shot from cranking on the bars, and my core is shot from cranking on the bars. Also, Jenks had already raced on Sunday. This new plan was not looking good.

I'll spare you the details of who went what pace on what part of the climb. Jenks's Powermeter data might be somewhat interesting, as our weights are somewhat comparable and he only gained about a second or two at the top. Whatever. Here's the point:

I knocked another 22 seconds off of my benchmark time. 3:41. Holler.

If you're wondering what it is that's enabled these performances, the answer is simple: I accredit my new-found speed to my dinners last week. Almost every night, I ate:

• Double-stacker burger (2 patties, bacon, and cheese)
  
• Onion rings
• Cheesy Tots
• Cherry Pepsi
• Vanilla Milkshake

Feel free to steal this delicious (and nutritious) recipe for success.

What a Difference

Mark put up a post about how the team has changed in 2 years. He was on the team at that the time of his "Before" photo, so his post is a bit more poignant, but I've got to post my own version of "dramatic change".

2003:

2007:


I dunno, maybe I should be jealous... they have a bicycle in their picture

Post-Pending

I want to post about last night's Karaoke night. I really do. And I'm going to, once I get ahold of photographs.

If I don't post photos, you won't believe some of the stories.

I can tell you, though, that I had a raging hangover this morning. Also, I made a very wise decision while waiting for the bus... I purchased a Fat Gibbons, which is a sandwich consisting of:

• Cheesesteak
• Onions
• Peppers
• French Fries
  
• Mozarella Sticks

Take that, arteries.

Many thanks to EpicRob, who bought me a shot halfway through the night "to help forget" what had happened up to that point... Unfortunately, I still remember everything, but that also includes the hilarity that ensued when the liquor hit my bloodstream.

So Hot Right Now

just in case you didn't see it on NTW...

Rutgers University Cycling Team, '06-'07

from Left to Right:
top: FarmerAndy, Ray, HeyItsDave, SideshowKevin, Cap'nChaz, SpikyHairWill, AngryMark, HardTailJay, EpicRob, Blake, Rich, ProfessorAndy
bottom: Jen, Alex, NinjaDon, Smilin'Kyle, BeastMasterChris

not pictured: 53x12Will, Amy, Sparky, Dave A, Taylor

Turncoat

I am a roadie. I love my narrow little tires, how the asphalt-rubber interface feels as it gets translated to my hands, how the world sounds different at 25mph than it does at 20.

Is Mountain Biking better than Road riding? Can one truly be better than the other? Yes, of course. Road trumps MTB hands down.

Personally, I disagree with Mark and Jenks when they say that criteriums are the ultimate form of bicycle racing. I'll take "aggressive and epic" over "patient and reactionary" any day. I'd rather be the protagonist. More on that some other time.

Today, however, it is time for me to play the traitor. I will leave the ranks of Jenks and Will, and join our nefarious opponents, Cap'nChaz and HardtailJay. I will discuss the beauty of the MTB.

Let me first note that MTBing remains stoopid. If road racing is a chess match, then MTBing is a game of paddleball. If you make a mistake in a road race, a wise competitor will take advantage and close the door on you. A MTB mistake is like a missed paddleball bounce... simply pick up where you left off. Where's the drama? The esprit d'guerre?

I'll confess that my opinion in this matter is rather skewed by the fact that I'm a horrible MTBer. HardtailMike has described a MTB race as "GO GO GO"... my version would have to be "GO GO crash remount GO crash etc". Maybe it's because I'm colorblind and can't detect obstacles as well as you normals. Maybe it's because I don't ride the MTB enough to ingrain the skillz. It's just not fun to do a ride where you can never get into a rhythm because you keep yardsale-ing.

The one and only redeeming facet of MTBing is singlespeeding. On a road bike, gears let you maintain a comfortable cadence but still focus on the tactics, and shifting becomes almost subconscious. While MTBing, the gears offer a similar cadence-normalizing functionality, but the nature of the terrain forces the shifting to be much more attentive. Maybe not for the good MTBers, but certainly for me. Shifting just distracts from the experience.

Like any good Spartan, I'll take the simpler option. Given the choice, I'll always singlespeed. Put the bike under my butt, point me towards the trail, and I'm a happy boy. If I want to get up a hill, I'd better pedal hard. If I want to go fast, I'd better spin like a crazy person.

MTBing, then, becomes a very pure experience. I would compare it to yoga, or to marathon running. It hurts, certainly moreso than geared MTBing, but it is far more zen.

I messed up my singlespeed last year. It was on its last legs, and it failed rather spectacularly. I've gone MTBing once since then, sorta; Chaz, HermesChris, and I took our cyclocross bikes to Hartshorne and rode like fiends among the incredulous full-suspension riders. It was fun, but it was far too cerebral.

I don't want cerebral. I want ommmm.

Somehow, some way, I will have you, Kona Unit 2-9

Benchmark

There is no better way to start your day than to suffer in the hills with your friends. What today's Bleed From Your Eyes (BFYE) ride lacked in attendance (apparently, there are finals this week or something), it more than made up for in aggression.

HardtailJay, SideshowKevin (he looks like Barry Wicks! I stand by the nickname), and I took to the hills this morning. In last night's email, I explicitly defined the nature of today's ride:

"let's attack the hell out of each other."

and so we did. Kevin dropped his chain at the bottom of Washington Rd., denying him the chance to go toe-to-toe with the old guys. Jay and I watched each other up the first half of the climb, then pushed the pace through the switchback all the way to the top. Brutal.

View from Washington Rd...
this is as elevated as it gets in Central NJ
Kevin flatted in the valley, where he revealed that he had neglected to bring a pump. Or levers. Or a tube. Freshmen. While Kevin was busy fixing the flat (thanks to Jay's generosity), the Hardtail-Afficionado and I conspired to stick it to Kevin. It's not cruel if you advertise it in advance, right?

As we hit the lower slopes (oddly enough, the steepest part of the climb), I jumped hard, and Jay followed. Sorry, Kevin! We duked it out rather aggressively on the shallower stretch at the top. That one hurt, and there was a lot of fish-out-of-water gasping on the descent.

Once we regrouped, it was time for the 5k sprint of doom. The nature of this road makes it just as conducive to last-minute sprints as to suicidal solo attacks... it all depends on who's willing to play.

Jay commenced hostilities with an abrupt opening salvo at 4k to go. I think he was just trying to test our legs and see how we would respond. With 3 to go, I put in an attack, recovered as best I could, then attacked again (a one-two punch patented by the Jenksster). Both times, Jay chased me down... Kevin sat in, showing some real racing savvy.

To put things in perspective for my non-racing friends, these flat-road attacks were well in excess of 30mph. The SpikyHairWills and ElSalvadorean-StageRacers in my audience (did you know that a National Champion reads my blog? true story) are probably yawning, but every once in a while it's nice to step back and appreciate the utter ridiculousness of propelling ourselves that quickly, and on tires measured in millimeters! Alas, no speeding tickets today.

Jay put in a vicious attack with about 1k to go. He caught me by surprise, forcing me to dig deep and plow through the wind. I clawed my way back to his wheel, fighting for every inch and the increased draft it afforded me, until finally I was hiding from the wind. Jay glanced back at me, and when he turned forward again I shifted up and counterattacked.

So yeah. That hurt. It was fast, and it was every masochist's dream. That'll get the blood flowing, that's for sure.

Morning Glory is one of those deceptively tricky hills to climb. It is shallow enough to be a big ring climb, but it is still steep. We ride it fast enough to let wind resistance significant factor into the tactics, but the grind can sap the energy out of your legs if you let yourself get pushed to hard. The best part about it, frankly, is the very steep, very straight descent back to Bound Brook. Weeee!

As far as I can tell, I've earned the BFYE overall leader's jersey. And by "as far as I can tell", I mean that I announced last night that today would yield a new overall leader, because I've lost track of everyone's points and I like being arbitrary.

So, yeah... benchmarks. Being the sort of guy who's not averse to monotony in his routes, I have a few favorite rides, of which this loop is one. When I rode hill repeats last fall, not 8 months ago, I would do so on Washington Rd. 5:00 became my benchmark. On one particularly brutal ride with Will and Charlie, I had to turn myself inside out to chase them, yielding a new Personal Record of 4:30. I thought I would die.

This morning, I clocked myself at 4:04.

Benchmark.