Red Berets

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to present to you this winter's hottest trend for grad student cyclists: Red Beret Training. With the off-season fast approaching, you might think that this idea was inspired by CSC's ludicrous training camps. Equally plausible is the possibility that I'm gearing up for Survivor 42: Donaldson Park.

In reality, this is but an homage to my good friend GI Mark, who is only 8 days from finishing Boot Camp at Ft. Benning.

Like Mark, participants in Red Beret Training will navigate treacherous Obstacle Courses. After a vigorous tire-sprint...

...you'll have to go under...

...and over...
...the trickiest obstacles known to grad-kind.

You'll learn camouflage, the art of blending into the jungle like the mutant offspring of monkeys and ninjas.

However, in this modern age of Urban Dorm Warfare, you'll need to disappear in a lecture hall as easily as in a rainforest. That's why our staff includes ex-CIA spooks, to make you a master of disguise.

You'll be taught markmanship, of course...

...but we'll also teach you to work in close quarters. By the end of Red Beret Training, you'll be able to kill a man with a dull #2 pencil, a graphing calculator, a stick of chewing gum, or your bare hands.

Sign up now. The first hundred registrants will receive a complementary Veyron. No fat chicks need apply.