The Colorado Conjecture

The Colorado Cafe is an Urban Cowboy bar (UCB). Hence the "Colorado" part of the title.

We went there on Sunday - that is, I joined my roommate and her friends for a birthday party. Using my well-honed powers of observation, I drew some preliminary conclusions about the nature of socializing at a UCB. Hence the "Conjecture" part of the title.

I really don't want to go back ever again. Hence the "The" part. There will be no further conjectures.

First, having attended a bar or two in my tenure (as Chief Blogger for TheNinjaDon Inc), I propose the following framework:

There are a few features here that are worth pointing out, especially for those readers who don't spend hours a day staring at graphs. First and foremost, note that the drunker you get, the better time you have, and the more fun people around you have... but only to a point, after which nobody's having any fun.

Of course this isn't the case for everyone; some people's graphs peak quite early, so much so that they probably shouldn't drink at all. For others, the "Entertertainment" graph (Red, indicating how much entertainment you provide your friends) is abhorrently low, and they definitely shouldn't drink thankyouverymuch.

Variations from person to person leave some flexibility in the regions of interest - namely, the Drunk A-hole Gap and the Window of Clowning. In the Gap, the drinker is thoroughly enjoying himself, but this pleasure does not extend to his friends. In the Window, the drinker may no longer having such a good time, but he is the delight of his friends.

Ideally, the Entertainment graph is of high enough value to minimize the Gap and also extend the Window so that everyone is having a good time simultaneously. It's tougher than it sounds.

The One-Too-Many Asymptote is self-explanatory. Nobody wins once you've entered that regime, and there is no coming back from it.

Okay, with me so far? Now we apply this framework to a trip to the UCB. This has a couple of distinct effects.
First, notice the inclusion of the Dance Capacity graph (Black, indicating one's ability and desire to dance). While the Dance Capacity starts quite low, a few beers will increase that value such that one finds oneself on the dance floor among the cowboy boots and 10-gallon hats.
'You want us to dance? No. No.'
one says before having any drinks

This graph has a maximum at the Inflection of Cyrus (named for Billy Ray, who's 1992 chart-topper inspired millions to enjoy horrible music), which is fantastically narrow for most normal folk. After Cyrus' Inflection, the graph drops off precipitously, and while enthusiasm may still be high, the ability to dance wanes dramatically.
One then drinks with one's friends (hi Rob!)

Also note that the UCB version of the Entertainment graph is shifted, so that dancing provides a great deal of pleasure to one's friends. The "serious" dancers may hate you, and the bouncers may leer menacingly, but the entertainment value of any dancing is pointedly greater than it would be at a normal bar.

See? Entertaining!

Your correspondent's Inflection of Cyrus is rather narrow. Within 1 +/- 0.2 beers, his Dance Capacity was low... like, inappropriately so. Nobody wants to see The Robot at the Colorado Cafe.