Reason #438 That I Hate Time Trials

alternate title: Inescapably Creepy

apologies in advance to my punchline, who generously donated his time and worked tirelessly for the team.

First, some background. In most bike races, everyone starts together, with one foot on the ground and one foot clipped in to its pedal. In Time Trials, though, racers start one by one, with both feet locked in to the pedals. How do they stay upright? They have a holder.

The holder stands behind the cyclist, holding his or her saddle, and the cyclist trusts the holder to, well, hold.

This puts the holder in the somewhat awkward position of having his hands under the rider's butt, which is as close to the holder's body as possible. Emphasis on "awkward".

As a holder, you stay as professional as possible, and the whole process is an accepted burden of bike racing. It's no more sexual than saying "I'm inside you" to another man going into a sharp turn. Then again, we've been known to refer to the Men's C racers as C Men (it ain't just a homonym for sailors, y'see).

So when I look at pictures that were taken on Saturday morning, I can't help but cringe a little. Particularly the shots from the Women's races. Even in context, but especially out of context, they just look inappropriate.

This one's not so bad:

"It's just business, ma'am"

This one looks terrible. I'm grimacing, and I'm hunched over... as if I was caught in the middle of something naughty.

If photos had audio, this would be "grunt"

The story behind it should be a lesson for all Time Trialists. When you roll to the line, keep your butt off the saddle, so that the holder can see what he's grabbing. Otherwise, he has to reach under you, blindly grasp at where he thinks the saddle is, and hope against hope that his hands find plastic. Thus, the grimace and the strained posture.

There's pretty much no way it could get any creepier than that. Right?

Wrong.