Get Off The Road, Lance!!!

Remember the good old days? Back when only homosexuals and American Gladiators were clean-shaven and spandex-clad. Back when Armstrong was an astronaut or a musician... or a stretchy toy.

Remember when Rutgers athletics were a state-wide embarassment? When the football team went 1-11 for the season, and when the basketball teams both performed like the guys' team does now. Those were the days.

At least cars were predictable back then. They'd see a dude on a bike, give him about 12 inches of buffer, and pass at full speed. If they were pickup trucks, the pass would involve a revving of the engines, and sometimes a honking of the horn (to the tune of "Dixie"). If you held your line, the 12 inches of clearance would be maintained, and aside from the cumulative life-shortening effect of dozens of sphincter-clenching stresses every day, nobody would be any worse for wear. It was a well-established detente.

This year has brought a marked change to what had been an acceptable status quo. Rutgers Football won the Texas Bowl. Rutgers Women's Basketball went to the Championship game. The Rutgers community collectively slayed the dragon that is Don Imus.

Now cars treat us differently. When we wear our kits, they recognize that we are ambassadors of all that is Rutgerdom, and they treat us like James Gandolfini himself was riding shotgun. The buffer has grown from feet to yards, and the speed differentials during passing are far tamer.

When they honk, it's to say "Woo! Rutgers!" When they roll down their windows, it's to give the ol' fist-pump, not the finger. People actually cheer for le Train Rouge.

Maybe Rutgers is a bit of a flavor-of-the-week, but it's kind of nice. It's possible that these nice drivers are really only saying "We don't think you're Nappy Headed Hos!" Clearly they've never seen FarmerAndy without a helmet on.

Going from Rodney Dangerfield to Tony Soprano in the span of a few months has been a pleasant change. There is, however, a further wrinkle to this story, which is why I'm even bothering to write this blog post (aside from the potential for taking a shot at FarmerAndy).

People are stupid. I'm sorry to break the news to you so abruptly. People are flippin' MORONS. This was, of course, evidenced by their driving style before the Rutgers Athletic Renaissance. Alas, sporting success and general goodwill have had no effect on people's abilities to do things like anticipate decisions or foresee consequences.

So, let's do a little case study. I call it the Pump Fake. The Scarlet Train is traveling down some road, about to make a left onto a side-street (let's say Blackwells Mills and Van Cleef). So we're going East on Blackwells Mills. There is significant oncoming (Westbound) traffic, so we cruise to a stop, close enough to the centerline to allow Eastbound cars to come around us to the right. When a gap opens, we will make our left.

But a Westbound car sees the Rutgers kids and thinks "Hooray! Rutgers! Local Sporting Squadron!" He slows dramatically, allowing us to make our turn. There is a significant pause, during which we stare at him blankly. Is he stopping for us? Is he going to speed up? Does he even see us?

Now our hand is forced. There is no way we're going to wave him on (if you happened to wave a car on at this very intersection on Wednesday, please pay attention), because being on 20lb bikes means we're very much at the mercy of the 2-ton hunks of metal. We're not going to out-polite this guy without putting ourselves in further danger. So we start clipping in, preparing to make the turn.

During the pause, the driver has grown increasingly confused. "Why are the skinny kids not turning? Jerks! Okay, I'll go." So he starts going. Until he sees that we're clipping in and rolling into his lane. So he brakes. But we saw him start to roll, so we brake. And so on.

Meanwhile, the cars behind this moron are thinking "What is this moron doing? I'm late for my very important business meeting!" The temptation to pass him grows over time. If they try to come around him, the situation will beceome exponentially more complicated.

Eventually, somebody goes for good, and order is restored. But in those few seconds of confusion, we were put in an unusual position of unnecessary risk, just because somebody saw Rutgers and decided to be nice. Weird.