TheNinjaDon: General NinjaDon S. Patton

Listen closely, soldiers, for battle is imminent. Look to the man on your left, then look to the man on your right. One of those men won't be coming home. But it is a small price to pay for victory!

I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his right to sing karaoke. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his right to sing karaoke.

First of all, you must know your foe. This the face of the enemy:

The Johnsonite is obnoxious, yes, but he is not without mercy. Prisoners can expect three square meals a day and regular visits from the Red Cross.

The Johnsonite army compensates for individual weakness by traveling in hordes. Indeed, in previous battles their foes have been overwhelmed by the superior numbers of the Johnsonites. I promise you, troops, we won't let that happen.

Here's the layout of the battlefield. Pay particular attention to the bullseye... It is the land once occupied by a proud and strong empire of Cyclists, now occupied by Johnsonites. The bullseye will be the site of our glorious victory.

First, we will storm the front entrance, driving the Johnsonites to the back of the bar. This is the red arrow.

Eventually, our surprise-based advantage will succumb to the Johnsonites' sheer numbers... but this is part of our plan. When our momentum fades, Sergeant AngryMark will sound his Cyclocross Cowbell, signaling the attack from our reinforcements. The undergrads, who had been upstairs lying in wait since dinnertime, when minors could still enter the bar, will swarm the enemy's rear flank. This is the blue arrow.

We can expect the Johnsonites to put up a brutal fight. It would be folly to guarantee victory, even after the Hidden Undergrad Gambit. This is why we have infiltrated a secret agent among their ranks. His (or her) identity is concealed in the following photograph, but know this: he (or she) is as ruthless as his (or her) hair is spiky.