The Brick

My old phone died. Hooray! RIP, piece of crap.

Having been a loyal Verizon customer for some time now, I've earned a free phone with contract extension. This resulted in an embarrassment of riches that I wasn't expecting, where I had so many options that I didn't know what to do.

To me, cell phones are meant to be simple, functional accessories, created to serve mankind... not unlike women, or socks. Anyone who claims otherwise is trying to tell you that the Emperor's clothes exist, and that your life will be empty without a matching outfit in your size. Honestly, cell phones are phones sans landline - anything more is just gratuitous.

"I can listen to music on my phone!"
Yeah, well I can draft blog posts for free.
"I can take pictures of things!"
And that photo of the beige blur against the gray background is truly artistic, believe me.
"I can play video games!"
I can pay your mother for sexual favors... also she's fat.

Still, I had a free phone coming, so why not treat myself? I'll tell you why not. Technology and I do not get along. Yes I am an engineer. No I do not like things that use electricity.

So rather than buy a paper-thin toy phone, I chose ruggedness. Let's face it, the Swedish rhythmic dance team may be easy on the eyes, but wouldn't it be smarter to hire the East German swimmers to help you move?

And so I purchased The Brick. It had every function I need (mouthpiece, earpiece, cellular communication techmology, etc) and then some. It weighs 40 lbs and can withstand head-on collisions with SUVs. The cockroaches that survive a nuclear holocaust will use my new phone for TXTing, assuming they learn English.

The Brick (bottom) is half-again as big as the old phone (top),
and thrice as mean looking

The Brick is Dirt Resistant, Water Resistant, and has a Fire-Retardant Spermicidal Coating. The Brick is Ribbed for Her Pleasure.

The Brick has the elegance of a Rolex and the eyes of an evil robot
(did you know that there is a blog dedicated to creepy robots?)
The Brick could beat up your cell phone, but won't, because The Brick is training for a Mixed Martial Arts fight against an aging yet dangerous Ken Shamrock.

The Brick is ready to go muddin' with you... it has an f'in Roll Cage
Now that I've written this post about the durability and awesomeness of my cell phone, it is surely jinxed. I give it three weeks to a month. Totally worth it.