Don's Law of Team Name Plurality or I reject your sporting squadron's name on a purely grammatical basis

When I write a rant, I generally try to limit the scope of my critical ire to subjects that affect me directly, or subjects that might someday affect the world at large. For example, I've written about the impending conflict with the Johnson and Johnson interns, my rancor for creationists, and the ubiquitous lack of portajohn etiquette. Not today.

You make think this is silly, and I may agree with you, but damn it all, this really gets under my skin:

Who decided that it was okay for sports teams to give themselves names that are singular? Miami Heat, Utah Jazz, Tampa Bay Lightning... What the crap?

Hey, Shaq circa 2003, are you proud to be part of your local sports franchise? "Yes, I'm proud to be a Laker"

Hey, Shaq circa 2005, how does it feel to be a member of your new team? "I'll tell you, it sure does feel dandy to be a Heat. Almost as good as when I was a Magic".

Goddamnit.

While we're at it, I'll delve into two more team names that are worth my delving.

Highland Park Hermes. Hermes was a greek god (not unlike AngryMark). Hermes was one greek god. Fortunately, though, this particular name ends in an 's', which allows me to work around an otherwise unforgivable transgression. For example, when speaking about Jenks, I can simply call him a Herme. Or, when talking about the team, I can append an additional 's' or two, rendering them the Hermeseses. Highland Park Hermes, you are forgiven.

Anaheim Mighty Ducks. They (the owners, not the players) are whores. That's about the long and short of it. They're an expansion team in the same league as the Rangers, the Canadiens, the Bruins. What name do they choose? The name of a team from a freaking Disney movie, because that's where the money is. Regardless of how well the team does, it is still inevitably a joke. Are you skeptical of this last statement? Well perhaps you have forgotten the like-titled animated series. No other sports team has so earned the term "franchise". You may not have violated Don's Law of Team Name Plurality, but you're still somehow worse than the Indiana Fever.