Graduate Chic: Facial Hair

(with thanks to Ben, my unwitting model)

I was asked by my friends at GQ to write about the latest trends in Men's Fashion. At first I was reluctant, because why should I give Joe Schmo any insights into my closely-guarded secrets of style? On the other hand, everyone who reads this already has great taste. Or is too far gone for my help anyway. Or is a girl.

Then, as a choir of heavenly angles sang "Back in Black" in 4-part harmony, the truth became clear: The world would be a significantly sadder, emptier place if I didn't put pen to paper and proselytize about facial hair.

Any fashionista worth his salt will tell you that for better or worse, image is everything. This is the case even somewhere as insular and idealistic as academia. The t-shirted TA is no less disadvantaged than the salesman with the mustard-stained tie or the stripper with the Caesarian scar.

Having nestled willingly in his perpetually mid-foodchain niche, the graduate student is certainly no exception. The fashion-forward grad knows that his best accessory is the beard on his face.

More affordable than a gold watch, more convenient than an attache case, and somewhat manlier than a purse, the beard can make or break a grad student's look. By observing a few simple guidelines, you too can be the "it" researcher in your lab.

Your project is going to take anywhere from 1 to 6 years to finish, and this process may not lend itself to progress reports. It's often impossible to tell the difference between a week of productivity and a week of youtube-surfing. Perfect in a pinch, the Two Day Shadow says "I'm getting so much done that I have neither time nor energy for shaving". Be careful, though, as the Two Day Shadow's effectiveness is tied to its shock value; it only works as a stubbly contrast to your normally clean-shaven skin. Don't be the boy who cried wolf.

Letting your follicles grow unchecked for more than two weeks results in the faux-pas known as Tenure Beard. Full, unkempt beards make you look like a homeless vagrant, or possibly a clergyman from a religion with Middle Eastern origins. The trend-setting professors you see in the tabloids sport this style, with beards that scream "I don't care", and indeed they don't care - but they don't have to, they have tenure. You, on the other hand, can't not care. You've got a thesis to write.

The new trend for the Fall is that sweet-spot beard somewhere between the Two Day Shadow and the Tenure Beard. Called the Fellowship Fuzz, this hot new look has been spotted already in the runways and labs of Paris. It's versatile, as suitable for holding Office Hours as it is for holding a swank after-party. It's a look that quotes Nietzsche, solves Fermat's Last Theorem, and condescends to everyone in the room, even as you silently sip your obscure Belgian ale.

There are more options, of course. Sideburns are very 1992, but the right person can always pull them off - the bigger the chops, the better the effect. They add youth and vigor to an embattled grad's weary face. Be wary of looking like your undergrads, as they might not believe you're the TA and worship you as such. Similarly, mustaches have gone the way of the dinosaur, and they only appear now in hipsters going for the "irony" look. You don't want to look like a hipster.

While this piece is being written for the stylish Hard Sciences student, it applies to other disciplines as well, albeit with a few modifications. For business students, the Two Day Shadow is taboo; shave regularly, and make your dare-to-be-different statement with a blue dress shirt and khaki pants. Liberal Arts grads enjoy more follicular freedom than most, especially vis a vis sideburns and mustaches - then again, the Liberal Arts grad isn't far from a Barnes-and-Noble barista, is he?

Future installments will include "Blazers in Academic Couture" and "Jeans for Jean-iuses". Stay tuned!