TheNinjaDon: What do I do with my hands?

Singing Karaoke can be scary. Looking at the crowd, knowing you've just forfeited the comforts of anonymity, realizing "oh shit, I can't actually sing"... it's downright terrifying.

Fret not, my dear n00b. This post will help you navigate the treacherous waters of Karaoke.

I'll start with what this is not: It's not a song-selection guide, nor is it an intervention (you'll perform better if you're not wasted, you drunk bastard).

Instead, this is intended to get you over your body issues... or at least over yourself.

Let's start with the hands. One hand is holding the microphone, that's guaranteed.

Okay, sometimes both hands will be on the mic... but that doesn't last long, because it's biomechanically awkward and restrictive.

Advanced Karaoke-ists dare to sing no-handed, thus facilitating the air piano.

So what do you do with your other hand? There are a couple of options, depending on your comfort level.

When I'm not really feeling very confident - maybe I don't know the lyrics well enough, or maybe the crowd hasn't been too responsive, or maybe I miss my beard - I tend to lock my free hand behind me. I actually stick the thumb in my back pocket, which forces me to have "open" body language. It's a good trick.

Another thing to consider is that you're singing a song, not reciting a textbook. Songs have emotion, are rife with angst and joy and gravitas. If good times have never seemed so good (so good! so good! so good!), why aren't you acting like it? Someone who was living in a powderkeg and giving off sparks would do more than just stand still. You're going to have to convince me to not stop believing!

Gesticulation, my friends. It's not just for ethnic stereotypes.

Oh, also, there are often instrumental breaks during rock songs. I use them as an opportunity for thirst quenching. Feel free to air guitar.

And then there's the question of what to do with the rest of your body. The easiest answer is "dance", but of course it's not that simple.

I do recommend dancing, for the same reason you should gesture. The emotion generated by your body will feed forward into your voice, and the whole performance will be better for it.

Bear in mind, though, that you're an awkward white kid from the suburbs (if you're reading my blog, it's pretty likely, no?). You're not Michael Jackson, nor are you Mick Jagger. You don't have to strut like the latter, nor do you need to be as smooth as the former. If you can, then more power to ya, but just remember that you don't have to.

The point is, you should make the song yours. If the only dance you can do is stomping your feet, then just go ahead and punish the hardwood. If you can't dance at all, there's always the Sinatra-esque dance, wherein you sway slightly and hold a highball in one hand.

It's always better to immerse yourself in a dance that is your own style than to awkwardly mimic someone else's... always.

In fact, this whole post boils down to one simple truth: The best Karaoke performances come not from the best singers, nor the best dancers, but from the most committed.

Commit to your performance, and the rest will follow.