Extra-Bad Karaoke Songs

"Baby Got Back", Sir Mix-A-Lot

"I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung"

First and foremost: what comes next? NOBODY KNOWS THE NEXT LINE. And most people who sing this song won't even be back in until "Unh, double up, unh unh". Your dead-air halfway through the first verse is generally a deal-breaker... and now I hate you.

Furthermore, this is a rap song. Consider this: can you rap? Do you have the rhythm necessary for hip hop? 99% of the people who select this song do not. I certainly don't, and that's why I don't choose rap songs at Karaoke. I'll rap in the car, on the sidewalk, while riding, and even while at Karaoke, but never when I have the microphone. Your arrhythmic babbling does you no service, believe me.

As for the meat and potatoes, I won't pull any punches... this song is about the sexual appeal of big butts. I have no problem with this, prima facia. What this means, though, is that selecting "Baby Got Back" makes a statement. When you sing it, you are saying "big butts are sexually appealing". Every time a group of girls (girls never do this one alone) sings this song, they are screaming "OUR BIG BUTTS ARE OKAY". They are okay, ladies, I promise. It's the fact that you need to justify it in shrill, drunken tones that concerns me.

When a guy sings this song, it's making the same statement, with a slight twist: "Your big butts are okay. I accept you as you are. I am a kind, sensitive, and enlightened man. Come home with me please?" If a girl falls for it, it's her own fault, and good luck to the both of them. I wash my hands of this case.

The last possibility is that the singer genuinely enjoys this song. Singing it at Karaoke is their celebration of Sir Mix-A-Lot's artistic genius, and they share it with us. Then again, have you heard the song? Let's not waste any more time on this one.

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"Before He Cheats", Carrie Underwood

"Right now he's probably slow dancing
With a bleached-blond tramp
And she's probably getting frisky"

Probably? Probably?!? That crazy chick destroyed a truck on a hunch. Nowhere in the song does she mention "he has cheated on me before", nor "I know him to be the cheating type", let alone "he is cheating".

The best she's got is "probably".

Sure, you can argue that Ms. Underwood intended to cast doubt not on the "if" of cheating, but on the "how". We are to accept the infidelity as a given, questioning only the exact goings-on with the bleached-blond tramp.

I think a nice epilogue to the song would reveal to us that actually, the boyfriend was secretly taking Salsa lessons, or taking night classes. Intending some pleasant surprise for her. Something improbable.

Maybe the song's heroine is justified. My (admittedly unpopular) interpretation is that she is not. Do you know how many lunatic girls got empowered by this song to go take revenge on their absolutely innocent boyfriends? Me either, but I bet it's a lot!

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"Paradise by the Dashboard Light", Meat Loaf

"I swore that I would love you to the end of time!
So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive"

Don't get me wrong, it's a good song. I don't even mind that it's excessively long. Nine minutes long. Two songs long. Meatloaf really does know how to rock, we won't deny him that. And it's one of the few rock duets in the Karaoke book, which adds a little flair to the proceedings.

Taking a step back from the flair, we find that this song is about misery. Not love, not romance, but regret. Sex withheld for blackmail, and a failed marriage. Isn't it terrifying? "I'll never break my promise or forget my vow / But God only knows what I can do right now" Trapped, because ol' Meat couldn't control his Loaf.

The "Before we go any further / Do you love me?" section is what sets me on edge. The woman surely deserves to know whether or not she is loved, and by no means is she obligated to have sex; it's the ultimatum of "forever or nothing" that is just unsettling... remember, they're barely seventeen!

For what it's worth, I think the real problem, the root of all the discontent, can be traced back to the line, "Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?" Specifically, "will you take me away". She wants him to solve her problems, to lift her out of the mire, to rescue her from the badness of 'here'. She doesn't accept responsibility for her own happiness, and deludes herself into thinking that there's a quick fix.

The thing is, though, that it's a duet. With the exception of my uniquely bold friends, most duets are sung by a boyfriend and girlfriend. Every time I hear this song at Karaoke, it's a perfectly happy couple happily chirping about dysfunction. He turns to her, serenades her, "I'm praying for the end of time / so I can end my time with you". She is wooed.

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"Living on a Prayer", Bon Jovi

I just hate Bon Jovi.